dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
