Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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