we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
His nipple licking is glorious
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