i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
