The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
