the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
