In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Hippo gnu deer
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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