God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
