Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
