So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
