How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
