I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I touched a dick in church today
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
