Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
