Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
