I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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