Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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