just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
