I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
