Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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