3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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