Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
