I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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