Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
