when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Randomize
