She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
