This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
