Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
