We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
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