Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i already hear my dad disowning me
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
