Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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