you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
