Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
