So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
