I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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