I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
