I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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