he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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