I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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