Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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