hotel room ftw
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
