I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
