On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
