you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
