U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
