I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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