he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
