i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
