Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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