if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
