He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
