I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
