The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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