Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
