Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
